Will Rogers used to say he didn’t know anything, except what he read in the newspapers. After saying that, he’d usually launch into a strange tale he’d picked up in the daily news sheets.
Will’s phrase kept ringing through my head last Saturday morning as I choked down my breakfast over the Seattle-Post Intelligencer. Everything I’m about to tell you was actually in the paper, just the “A” section, for September 13th.
In Missouri, the US Air Force held a special press event to prove B-2 Stealth Bombers, which cost $2 billion per plane, do not melt when they get wet. “This airplane does not melt in water,” said Colonel Bill Hood, as airmen washed a plane behind him. “We do this all the time,” he said. “We just get out here with the brushes and scrub away.” The Pentagon spends two billion per plane and then has to prove they don’t dissolve in water. The next day, a Stealth fighter disintegrated in mid-air over Maryland, but that’s a story for another day.
In St. Paul, Minnesota, Judy Dick, the wife of a wealthy dentist, was sentenced to 15 days in jail and 120 hours of community service after being convicted of paying a crackhead to shoplift $7,000 worth of merchandise for her. She also got a $5,000 fine and five years probation. Mrs. Dick’s husband, son and daughter were acquitted. I can’t help imagining that if a low-income African-American family from Philadelphia perpetrated a shoplifting crime wave, the penalties imposed by the judicial system would be a bit harsher, but because these Dicks are wealthy white folks from St. Paul, who can afford a lawyer, three out of four walk on the charges and mom gets a slap on her bejewelled wrist.
In other news, Newt Gingrich’s half-sister Susan Gingrich, is launching a magazine called “Today’s Lady,” aimed at conservative women. Susan should not be confused with Newt’s other half-sister Candace, an advocate on behalf of lesbian and gay rights. According to the newspaper, Susan’s magazine will address such topics as “What does it mean to be a lady today?” “Women and guns,” and “The popularity and extraordinary success of Christian diet programs.” I don’t know about you, but I’m buying that issue. What the heck is a Christian diet program? Loaves and fishes? Fasting in the desert? If that’s a Christian diet would a Jewish diet be something like manna for 40 years? Where can I get manna? What is manna? Is it fresh? Does a Christian diet work for non-Christians? Would a Jewish diet work for gentiles? Will there be features on Christian fashion, shroud of Turin, sackcloth and ashes? I guess I’ll have to buy the magazine to find out.
And finally, in international news, Communist China says it is downsizing its army, but at the same time strengthening it. While I’m happy to see any army shrink, especially China’s – I find it odd that the Chinese military have adopted the language of American corporate public relations when it comes time to downsize. Maybe we can sell them some of our dissolving bombers….
All the News That Fits, We Print
Will Rogers used to say he didn’t know anything, except what he read in the newspapers. After saying that, he’d usually launch into a strange tale he’d picked up in the daily news sheets.
Will’s phrase kept ringing through my head last Saturday morning as I choked down my breakfast over the Seattle-Post Intelligencer. Everything I’m about to tell you was actually in the paper, just the “A” section, for September 13th.
In Missouri, the US Air Force held a special press event to prove B-2 Stealth Bombers, which cost $2 billion per plane, do not melt when they get wet. “This airplane does not melt in water,” said Colonel Bill Hood, as airmen washed a plane behind him. “We do this all the time,” he said. “We just get out here with the brushes and scrub away.” The Pentagon spends two billion per plane and then has to prove they don’t dissolve in water. The next day, a Stealth fighter disintegrated in mid-air over Maryland, but that’s a story for another day.
In St. Paul, Minnesota, Judy Dick, the wife of a wealthy dentist, was sentenced to 15 days in jail and 120 hours of community service after being convicted of paying a crackhead to shoplift $7,000 worth of merchandise for her. She also got a $5,000 fine and five years probation. Mrs. Dick’s husband, son and daughter were acquitted. I can’t help imagining that if a low-income African-American family from Philadelphia perpetrated a shoplifting crime wave, the penalties imposed by the judicial system would be a bit harsher, but because these Dicks are wealthy white folks from St. Paul, who can afford a lawyer, three out of four walk on the charges and mom gets a slap on her bejewelled wrist.
In other news, Newt Gingrich’s half-sister Susan Gingrich, is launching a magazine called “Today’s Lady,” aimed at conservative women. Susan should not be confused with Newt’s other half-sister Candace, an advocate on behalf of lesbian and gay rights. According to the newspaper, Susan’s magazine will address such topics as “What does it mean to be a lady today?” “Women and guns,” and “The popularity and extraordinary success of Christian diet programs.” I don’t know about you, but I’m buying that issue. What the heck is a Christian diet program? Loaves and fishes? Fasting in the desert? If that’s a Christian diet would a Jewish diet be something like manna for 40 years? Where can I get manna? What is manna? Is it fresh? Does a Christian diet work for non-Christians? Would a Jewish diet work for gentiles? Will there be features on Christian fashion, shroud of Turin, sackcloth and ashes? I guess I’ll have to buy the magazine to find out.
And finally, in international news, Communist China says it is downsizing its army, but at the same time strengthening it. While I’m happy to see any army shrink, especially China’s – I find it odd that the Chinese military have adopted the language of American corporate public relations when it comes time to downsize. Maybe we can sell them some of our dissolving bombers….