Summer is in full throat. Cicadas drone through the day, crickets are loud every night. Pairs and threes of teenagers walk through the evening neighborhoods, their voices drifting through the window screens.

At summer camp, wedgies must be getting out of hand.

Experienced camp administrators know wedgies play a regulatory role in the living organism that is camp. They are an expression – and more important, a release – of group tension. During counselor orientation week in June, a savvy head counselor will lay down the law for the staff, particularly for the junior counselors and CITs: I don’t care what happened last year, no wedgies this season. Vague talk of outraged parents, threatened lawsuits and increased insurance premiums is appropriate here.

(I should digress to note that wedgies are, at least in my experience, a male phenomenon. Now that I think about it, perhaps the current popularity of thong underwear among women can be traced in part to some sort of “wedgie envy.” Might be worth academic research.)

For the first third of the season, the wedgie moratorium is strictly enforced. Arriving campers are warned; junior staff is reminded. If you were a camper who only attended the first session every year, that’s just too bad; your childhood was the poorer for it. If head counselors allowed wedgies in the first session, by August the Apocalypse would be upon us.

In the middle third, some wedgies are handed out. The really annoying campers among those staying for the whole summer have by now exhausted all other forms of discipline. A well-executed, well-timed wedgie from a senior counselor can buy as much as 48 hours of compliant behavior from the worst brat. The head counselor pretends not to notice.

By the final third of the season, the counseling staff is running on fumes, some start to wonder aloud in the counselors’ lounge after lights out if this is their last season. That’s the head counselor’s cue to cry havoc and release the dogs of wedgie. The next day, he should personally and publicly wedgie the most irritating CIT.

For those unfamiliar (or who have perhaps forgotten) the repertoire, some highlights:

– The Flying Wedgie – The victim is approached as he stands on a dock, bleacher, cabin porch or similar raised platform. The back of his underwear is firmly grasped and the victim is nudged into space. Mass and gravity take care of the rest. Good early-season wedgie, provides a plausible excuse. (“He started to fall, I tried to pull him back.”)

– The Cowboy Wedgie – Some smart guys think they can avoid wedgies by eschewing underwear, or perhaps they’ve just run out. The Cowboy merely substitutes the victim’s shorts for underwear. It’s easier on the butt, but plays hell with the nuts (as they’re known in summer camp).

– The Atomic Wedgie – Made famous on “Seinfeld,” this mythical creature is often referred to, almost never witnessed. The waistband must be pulled over the victim’s head. Nearly impossible to execute.

– The Shaving Cream Wedgie – Usually administered by counselors, since shaving cream is considered contraband among beardless campers. A two-person execution team is needed, one to pin the victim’s arms, the other to pull open the back of his ‘wears, deposit the shaving cream and apply the wedgie.

– The Fruit Wedgie – Same as above, but shaving cream is replaced with some particularly nasty portion of fruit spirited out of the mess hall. Peach sections in heavy syrup are recommended; bananas also work well. (Jell-O may be substituted, best if served cold.)

– The Warm Chocolate Wedgie – The cruelest and most feared of all wedgies, this wedgie is like the two previous, but involves a Hershey bar left out in the sun for a half hour prior to administration. Usually delivered before an audience, always a crowd pleaser.

Defense against wedgies: there is none. Wedgies happen to us all, the best we can do is accept them in good humor. Nothing incites the Wedgie Gods like an over-reaction. If nothing else, at least you’ll have a good supply of stories for the next 30 summers.

© Mark Floegel, 2005