Anything Worth Doing

Monday, September first, is Labor Day. This year the actual Labor Day falls on the Monday holiday on which we will all celebrate our jobs by not working. It seems fitting that Labor Day actually falls on Labor Day this year; it seems like a good omen. American Labor has had a good year in 1997, the first in a long time.

The first food that ever entered my mouth was paid for with union wages. My father, Al Floegel, was a member of United Artisans, Local 13, Plumbers and Steamfitters. My father had a few maxims to guide his working life and he made sure I became acquainted with them at an early age. The first was, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well,” and he would say it slowly, to be sure I didn’t miss a single word. He repeated that phrase with an exhausting regularity and I hated it, but something must have clicked because 25 years later I’m using the same phrase, although I try to spare my audience the emphatic delivery.
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Aero-Darwinism

Every few weeks I find myself in the second-class cabin of an airplane. This has been going on for years. I have been flying, on a regular basis, throughout most of the age of airline deregulation. It’s not as much fun as it used to be.

Don’t get me wrong – after thousands of air miles, I’m still entranced by the magic of flying. It’s wonderful to behold summer from 30,000 feet. This week, on a transcontinental flight, I passed over my birthplace – and for 90 seconds I was home again. My reverie came to an abrupt halt as the elbow of a fellow traveler careened off my skull. The gentlemen was not trying to start a fight, he was merely trying to get out into the aisle without the aid of a yoga instructor. Thank you, deregulation.
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Playing Chicken

Do you sometimes comfort yourself with small, seemingly meaningless rationalizations? Things like, “Yes, I own a tee vee, but I don’t watch it very much – PBS mostly,” or “I’m not a vegetarian, but I try to eat healthy food.” Those statements are more about where we want to be than where we are. I’m that way, too.

There’s a reason to set those kind of goals and I was reminded of it last month as I was reading in Rachel’s Environment and Health Weekly that chickens, eggs and catfish from hundreds of producers are contaminated with dioxin. Now, dioxin is one of the most toxic poisons known to science. It is the unwanted byproduct of various industrial processes such as pesticide manufacture, pulp and papermaking and incineration.
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… and the last shall be first

Have you ever been to Tuvalu? Have you ever heard of Tuvalu? I’ve been asking around lately. One friend said, “You mean, like the honey? That’s tupelo.” No, not tupelo, Tuvalu. Tuvalu is one of the smallest nations on earth. It consists of nine atolls in the southwest Pacific Ocean. In the rank of nations, Tuvalu brings up the rear in many categories. It has a total land area of less than ten miles. It has a total population of 10,000. There are only 12 members of Parliament. Tuvalu’s economy depends on the export of copra – which is dried coconut – and the sale of stamps. Tuvaluan stamps are a novelty among philatelists. Tuvalu has one other last-place distinction, which by inversion, gives it a first-place distinction. At its highest point, Tuvalu is six feet above sea level. Because of that, Tuvalu will be the first nation on earth to be flooded by rising sea levels, brought about by climate change.
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Everything Must Go

America is getting better every day. Each morning I rise and breathe the sweet air of liberty and I know today will be better than yesterday and tomorrow is still to come.

Why is America getting better? I’ll tell you why – privatization. That’s right, privatization. The United States of America, led by God and the hundred and fifth Congress is taking this country, one piece at a time, out of the clutches of the evil bureaucrats and putting it into the invisible hand of the free market.
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Anti-Food

Right now, in various cities around the United States, Frito-Lay is test-marketing potato chips made with a synthetic product that tastes like fat, but is not “fattening,” to use my mother’s word.

The product, “olestra,” is made by Procter and Gamble and is designed to pass through the digestive system without being digested. The alleged benefit of this is that we can eat potato chips without gaining weight. There are, however, a few problems. Studies have shown that eating foods containing olestra causes diarrhea in some people. Olestra has also been found to rob the body of certain nutrients. The former head of the Food and Drug Administration called these effects annoying, but not medically significant. My informal polling shows that most Americans have stronger opinions about diarrhea than the FDA does.
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Carbon Logic

I’m calling from Alaska this week and I think I must be one of only ten people up here who is not looking for oil. You may remember a few weeks ago I spoke about Bill Clinton and Al Gore obstructing progress on climate change. The reason I think that has much to do with Alaska and some math called carbon logic.

Contrary to what you read in ads sponsored by Mobil Oil Corporation, global warming is a real phenomenon. It’s measurable. The real questions are two: how far can we let it go before it causes irreparable harm? And what can we do to stop heating the planet? The answers are straightforward, if not pleasant. Let me apologize in advance for all the numbers I’m about to throw at you.
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