America is getting better every day. Each morning I rise and breathe the sweet air of liberty and I know today will be better than yesterday and tomorrow is still to come.
Why is America getting better? I’ll tell you why – privatization. That’s right, privatization. The United States of America, led by God and the hundred and fifth Congress is taking this country, one piece at a time, out of the clutches of the evil bureaucrats and putting it into the invisible hand of the free market.
My only complaint, if I may have one, is why did it take us so long? I mean, sure, we’ve been giving away our forests and rivers, our minerals and grasslands to private corporations for over one hundred years, but why are we only just now getting around to privatizing our prisons and schools? And why have we never combined our prisons and schools into one institution? I’m sure we shall, now that they are going private. Let business lead the way to the common?sense answer!
Privatization means an end to budgets bloated with inefficiency and waste. America can at last fulfill its destiny, to make a profit at every turn. And in the process, we, the consumers, will have more choices.
But we have only just begun. The long road of privatization stretches out before us, beckoning the eager traveler. The challenge that lies before us is to privatize the largest, most inefficient, unfair and corrupt arm of the federal government. That’s right. I’m talking about the Department of Defense.
Under the privatization I foresee, Americans will no longer be forced to throw their hard?won tax dollars down the rathole of the Pentagon. The privatized military will find new ways to raise funds.
Soon high school students will be stabbing each other with genuine Marine Corps K-Bar knives. And why will they stab each other? To get those Navy fighter pilot jackets, of course. Why should the Chicago Bulls get all the action?
The PX system will be bought out by Costco and tax-free cigarettes and booze will be available to Americans everywhere. Let’s say you’re considering a career in politics, but you’ve got a dishonorable discharge on your record. For no money down and an easy monthly payment, we can clear that up, and if you call before midnight tonight, we’ll throw in a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart.
Each citizen will be issued a defense voucher to be used as he or she sees fit. Outfit yourself with a shoulder-launched missile, nerve gas or Cobra gunship. Additional vouchers can be obtained with each pack of Marlboro cigarettes. Get the miles, get the gear. Perhaps you and your friends would like to go in together and defend your neighborhood with a low-yield nuclear device. Operators are standing by.
There will be those who worry that putting sophisticated weaponry into the hands of citizens will lead to ill-advised military misadventures. To these doubters I can only say: the Persian Gulf, Panama, El Salvador, Grenada and Vietnam.
The time has come to cast off the shackles of doubt and march boldly forward, citizen soldiers, to new glory, new conquest and a new world order.
Everything Must Go
America is getting better every day. Each morning I rise and breathe the sweet air of liberty and I know today will be better than yesterday and tomorrow is still to come.
Why is America getting better? I’ll tell you why – privatization. That’s right, privatization. The United States of America, led by God and the hundred and fifth Congress is taking this country, one piece at a time, out of the clutches of the evil bureaucrats and putting it into the invisible hand of the free market.
My only complaint, if I may have one, is why did it take us so long? I mean, sure, we’ve been giving away our forests and rivers, our minerals and grasslands to private corporations for over one hundred years, but why are we only just now getting around to privatizing our prisons and schools? And why have we never combined our prisons and schools into one institution? I’m sure we shall, now that they are going private. Let business lead the way to the common?sense answer!
Privatization means an end to budgets bloated with inefficiency and waste. America can at last fulfill its destiny, to make a profit at every turn. And in the process, we, the consumers, will have more choices.
But we have only just begun. The long road of privatization stretches out before us, beckoning the eager traveler. The challenge that lies before us is to privatize the largest, most inefficient, unfair and corrupt arm of the federal government. That’s right. I’m talking about the Department of Defense.
Under the privatization I foresee, Americans will no longer be forced to throw their hard?won tax dollars down the rathole of the Pentagon. The privatized military will find new ways to raise funds.
Soon high school students will be stabbing each other with genuine Marine Corps K-Bar knives. And why will they stab each other? To get those Navy fighter pilot jackets, of course. Why should the Chicago Bulls get all the action?
The PX system will be bought out by Costco and tax-free cigarettes and booze will be available to Americans everywhere. Let’s say you’re considering a career in politics, but you’ve got a dishonorable discharge on your record. For no money down and an easy monthly payment, we can clear that up, and if you call before midnight tonight, we’ll throw in a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart.
Each citizen will be issued a defense voucher to be used as he or she sees fit. Outfit yourself with a shoulder-launched missile, nerve gas or Cobra gunship. Additional vouchers can be obtained with each pack of Marlboro cigarettes. Get the miles, get the gear. Perhaps you and your friends would like to go in together and defend your neighborhood with a low-yield nuclear device. Operators are standing by.
There will be those who worry that putting sophisticated weaponry into the hands of citizens will lead to ill-advised military misadventures. To these doubters I can only say: the Persian Gulf, Panama, El Salvador, Grenada and Vietnam.
The time has come to cast off the shackles of doubt and march boldly forward, citizen soldiers, to new glory, new conquest and a new world order.
(Some restrictions will apply to homosexuals.)
(c) Mark Floegel, 1997